Conflict echoing in the albyss of her mind , Jessie’s “say you love me ” , all a in small grid of modern day corporates ,laughter, competing with the demons in her head .
How is it so easy to be strong and exhausted ? And as if that’s not ludacris enough end up a failure..
Four years of hardwork, morning positive lies as mantras ,pushing through ,hurting the soul,wounding the flesh to end up a failure .
No one understands what it is ,it’s the same answer “ you can’t do it all”, you have tried …the urge to hold my hair up and let it out because of the heat is burning , yet I still can’t tell them because that’s yet another one of my responsibilities, fear of spelling “failure” right out of my gut to my face .I can’t silence the annoying buzz of those statements.
I want to let go of what many think has been the best decision of my life .
Stripping myself of all dignity, happiness, squeezing the blood out of my beaten body is all I seem to get comfort from …
Yeah , I know . “Who does an introduction after the biggest confession ,literally a 3rd of their life story summed up ?’!
Trust me I feel the awkwardness as well, but I need to give you a little headsup about this ,me ,the memoir.
“Roofing with Ndinda” There’s only two significant words in this title ; Roofing and Ndinda which is basically Andinda save for the “am all up to date to shorten my name stunt “.
Building a house is very costly . In fact if I were to ask most of you what your dream houses were,we would be wowed by the weight of the beauty /class of those houses.Its amazing what we dream.
And if in the same minute I posed a question of how long it would take you to build that house ,85% would say the time to save up enough money for those houses was what was keeping you waiting and that you could get into your early fab 40’s/50’s still trying.
5% would say working to get to my retirement so I can earn the pension and build my dream house . And the 10%?, well the 10% would have to be the humble ones or maybe even uninspired ,let’s just say hubby will worry about that .
Starting to build a house is one ,Roofing it is a whole lot of another.Ever wondered why most unfinished houses never have roofs? It’s not a coincidence babe, its not even just a statistic .Roofing takes patience ,brevity for example the heights;no one enjoys being up there trying to cover up a house at the cost of their own mental health. How about the tiny important details and bits about which angle to join the sheet or brick ?,patience .Talk about constantly failing at fixing the place it leaks ,over and over you go again.! Roofing is costly ,it’s exhausting.
(Verb)-She/He waits/ she or he protects.
I wait ,literally all my life I have waited for my turn ,the chance to ,I have given up my opportunity to the other person because I wait,I keep thinking I can wait ,I will wait. I even ask me to wait for me . Honestly just day “Ndinda ” out loud,you will get what am saying .
Hmmm..protects , Normally someone will remind me “I think you are holding on too tight ,it’s beginning to cut and then I will go Oops! I’m bleeding and say just a little longer “. Just before I notice the cut to nurse it , “I have got to run ,Sam needs to report to school,the headmaster might be tough on him”. and am off acting superwoman.
And there goes Andinda ,Ndinda.